I know the first place I should always look is to God, but I don't always remember to do this. Even though I know deep down that He is the only one that can help me, console me and replenish me, I have the tendency to try to do it on my own first.
To start with, I usually keep it to myself. I try to deal with whatever the issue is alone... battling my thoughts on the inside, having an inner dialogue and letting my mood go south. Then, I'll take it to others... usually my mom, husband or sister-in-law. I'll vent about whatever is going on. I may even shed some tears and feel sorry for myself. They always share words of encouragement, but at the end of the day... they can't help what they can't control. So next, I'll come full circle back to myself, and remember that I am not in control either. Finally, once I give it all to Him, my stress is relieved, my problems are solved and my burdens are lifted.
I can think of several big and small times this has occurred in my life. The one that is the most memorable and installed the most Faith in my walk, was the gift of Isla.
In 2009, we were told by my doctor that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to have a baby of my own. The doctor told us that my chances were slim and that if we wanted the highest probability, we would need to start trying now.... as in the Spring of 2009. Well, there was just one major problem with this.... we were not ready, we were not married and we knew it was not God's plan for us to start trying. I felt beaten down, discouraged and sorry for myself... and Joel. I felt inadequate and angry. I went through all the emotions of loss and began to grieve for the baby the doctor said I would never have. I beat myself up for weeks. I was in a bad mood towards the ones I love. I let it eat at me until I fell apart. I cried to my mother, apologized to my husband and felt sorry for myself. Finally, I took it to God. I came full circle and admitted I had no control over the situation and only God could see me through this. Peace and contentment fell over me once I gave it to God. We went through several rounds of treatment for my health issues and had to make some big decisions. My doctor even recommended a hysterectomy. After much prayer, we decided against the hysterectomy, found a new doctor, tried to focus on our present life and tried not to worry about the future. We gave it to God.
Two years and a wedding later, we decided we would start trying and see what happens. This time, we went straight to God. We prayed for a baby, we prayed for contentment, we prayed for fulfillment and for His Will to be done. Well... three months later, to our utter shock, we learned a baby was on the way! Now we have our beautiful baby girl to remind us to always have faith.
Although I know time and time again, I should take it to God first, it's not always easy to give up my old habits and remember I am not in control. It's scary to admit you are not in control, especially if you are a control freak like me! But who I am, compared to Him.
Lately, I try to stop and ask myself...do I want to "try" to take control of something I will ultimately be powerless against or do I want to let Him be in control and marvel at His plan? I always come to the same conclusion.... Give it to God. He is there waiting with open arms for me to present my problems and take away my burdens. Things won't always happen the way I want them to or in the time frame I think I need them to. Things happen in God's time, with His plan that will in the end be far better than anything I could have ever imagined.
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